The invent of the internet brought a constant barrage of news from around the world on top of us incessantly. With all that doom and gloom being constantly rammed down your throat it's easy to get downhearted about the state of humanity. But I'm here to tell you not to get too depressed, because if you delve a little bit deeper into that news you'll also realise that the world is still full of twats. And at least you're not as unfortunate as them. Here's a short round-up, just to lift yours spirits.
Political activism comes in many forms, as does online sociability. One pioneer has decided to combine the two, and as a tribute to the role that it played in the recent political revolution in his native country, a young Egyptian man has decided to name his first born daughter… 'Facebook'.
Can someone please buy him a goldfish? The poor girl has to go to school with that. I can imagine her day-to-day life. Why are you late Jones? Sorry sir, I spent all lunchtime on Facebook wahey! At least you'll never have to worry about her suffering from obesity, because realistically her dinner money won't be making it anywhere near the canteen. You may as well just set up a direct debit to the local off-licence to keep the bigger girls in WKD. I did a bit of digging, stupid baby names are a big deal at the minute. In Norway the problem has become so bad they've had to pass a law that means you can't name your child anything to do with sex, swearing or diseases. Who sits at their baby shower going, 'have you thought of any names yet?' 'Well if it's a boy we're torn, either Brendan after my dad, or Seamus after my grandfather'… But if it's a girl, definitely Anal Fuck Syphilis. Kids are inventive enough with names as it is, don't make it easy for them. I went to school with a girl whose surname was Dick, to make matters worse her first name was Joanna. Daily, for 7 years of her life, she had to endure the register being called and listen as 31 people, in perfect unison would answer, 'Joanna Dick' - Yes please!
A Florida man who almost committed the perfect crime was charged with burglary after police found only one print he'd left behind, and of all places, he left it on the toilet seat. He's alleged to have taken cash, jewellery and a massive shit. I almost have a degree of sympathy for him, when my girlfriend first moved in with me I once found myself in the middle of the night, on my knees, drunk, in the dark, being sick into the toilet. Only to stand up, turn on the light and find out the hard way that girls really do leave the seat down.
Other news this week saw a German funeral company launching a range of gay coffins. The company said that the caskets, adorned with images of naked, muscular young men will allow people to, 'go out in a similar way to how they lived their lives.' Because apparently stiff, and sliding into a dirty hole isn't close enough.
I saw a recording of Rory McGrath on BBC News promoting his new book entitled, 'As a lapsed Catholic, everything is my fault'. Charting the existential void left when you lose your religion. This struck a chord with me because I've been struggling with Catholicism myself for a long time, Catholicism is confusing. First of all we were always told NEVER to wear condoms or you'd go to hell. In the past few weeks the Pope has now changed his mind and stated that it is alright to use condoms, but only if you're a gay, male prostitute. I don't know if I'm the only one that's seen this as a loophole? I just got my mate Steve to bum me for a tenner. As far as I can see it's a win-win situation. Best case scenario, it works and I get into heaven. Worst case scenario, it turns out God doesn't exist…I'm up a tenner! I can still remember the first time I bought condoms, I was so nervous I lifted a packet of extra-large by mistake. I was going to just throw them in the bin, until I realised they made excellent bin liners.
I, like Rory was brought up a Catholic but don't practice anymore. I don't need to I'm fucking brilliant at it now! I used to be really into it and at one point found myself campaigning against abortion in Ireland. Then one day recently I realised there are not one, but two, unequivocal reasons why abortion should've been legalised in Ireland about 20 years ago. And BOTH of those reasons are Jedward.
So you see, if you ever find yourself getting down about man's blind inhumanity to his own race, or you find yourself questioning the ever declining moral state of society at large, cheer up! Because there are always twats to be laughed at.
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