I came across a new phenomenon in Sainsbury’s today that excited me even more than the day I once found potato bread for 17p. Which is no mean feat in itself, I still look back on that day and rate it right up there as my favourite trip to Sainsbury’s of all time. I was going through some pretty dire financial turbulence with less than a quid to my name and needed some food. I hate to sound all stereotypically Irish, but begorra, I love potato bread, so I do. You’ve got potatoes AND bread in one flat square of deliciousness, fuck raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, they’re two of my favourite things! Work out a way to incorporate football in it and I’d probably have sex with the thing.
What’s better than that? What about a bladder of wine for £2.99? At least at the point of purchase you have to assume that it’s wine, wine that comes in a box, but no longer has the box. Just a big silver bag, with a sticker on it saying ‘Was £14.99, Now £2.99’ – Is that even a gamble? Regardless of what the liquid in the bag is, it’s still the stock market equivalent of buying BP shares. There’s at least a moderate chance that I’m now the owner of a big silver bag of donkey spunk, but at a price that would bring a tear to Eeyore’s japs eye, so who’s the winner? I’ve got it home now, I can confirm it is wine, white wine. I fucking hate white wine. And this one in particular tastes a wee bit like they’ve taken a glass of heartburn and then made it taste astonishingly like pish, and not just any pish, that first pish of a hangover, when the colour is so orange I can barely tell where pubes stop and urine begins. Not that I’ve ever actually indulged in sampling the flavour of this particular early morning delight, I’m going solely on the smell. I’ve used one of my senses to make up the mind of another, if you have difficulty accepting that, simply liken it to the fact that you don’t ever have to meet James Corden, to know he’s a cunt.
Am I disappointed by my purchase? There’s a big bag of it! And it only cost £2.99! In fact, work out a way to incorporate potato bread and it’ll be an early evening for the three of us.
